Friday, March 6, 2009

The Best Week Ever

This has been a GREAT week, and I'm not referring to all the hubbub over a youngster who can devour a Frosty at the speed of light. Yes...that DID create a lot of excitement (and angst, if you know what I mean!)---but that was not what made the week extraordinary. are asking yourself "what could top this diamond in the roughage story"...and here it is...THE CHAFED SPOTS ON THE INSIDE OF MY ELBOWS HAVE DISAPPEARED! Incredible, huh? It's almost a miracle. I've gone through gallons of guaranteed-to-moisturize lotion and nothing. Those annoying spots stayed right there on the inside of my arms right where they brush against my "muffin tops" during my daily power walk. If you've never had the pleasure of seeing my power walk,...well, it's something akin to an obese racewalker---if there were such a thing. Those skinny racewalkers have NOTHIN' on me! I have fat deposits whose jiggling actually propels me forward. Some days I have such momentum that I actually have to hold on to something in order to come to a complete stop.
Ok, so back to the real story muffin tops have shrunk and my elbows no longer rub against them when I walk. INCREDIBLE, no?! I have to say, it was as much of a surprise to me as it will be to you when you read this. Really, I'm most likely the fittest fat person on the planet, and to date, all my power walking (a story for another day) has yet to do anything for me except increase the size of my appetite. (Actually, I think it keeps my blood pressure in check, but that's boring.) So, you may be asking, "how did she do it?" Well, about 3 weeks ago I began lifting free weights and doing some simple core exercises, and VIOLA!...the muffin tops are melting and I can cut back on my aloe-enhanced skin products.
I don't want to make this seem like it was magic melting muffin tops. Oh no, it hasn't been easy on me at all. I'm not looking for any sympathy here, just saying I've paid some dues for spotless elbows. That said, I think you may be thinking "how can I get magic melting muffin tops too?" Am I right? I knew it! (I love it when I'm right!) Well, as promised, I've got some advice for you. Here's just a few tips to get you started:
1. Don't tell anyone you've begun a new "exercise" program just in case you whimp out when you have to increase your weights to 4 pound bar bells. Seriously, it was HARD!
2. Hide your free weights from any male or teenager in the house. (MALE teenagers are especially dangerous.) The reason for this is that if they see your weights, they'll pick 'em up and make some psuedo-witty remark like "feel the burn". This is just their feeble attempt to humiliate you. Don't go there.
3. Don't do your weight lifting routine when humans or pets are within earshot. Enough said.
4. After lifting, s-t-r-e-t-c-h out...and I don't mean pass out on the weight bench! Stretch the muscles you've been working. Seriously, I didn't know that there was this evil, bad thing called lactic acid that is made when you lift weights (or do any other activity that is "foreign" to your body). Lactic acid builds up in the muscle and that is what causes you to get sore. On the morning after my first session of lunges with weights, I woke up thinking I had meningitis in my thighs and butt. No kidding, I had to fall out of bed and army crawl to the bathroom. I would've given one of those thighs for a handicap rail near the toilet! My legs didn't work right for days. I walked around like I had no joints in my knees or hips. It was pretty embarrassing.
So take my word on this...s-t-r-e-t-c-h after weights.
If you are interested in my fitness program, check out or buy the book: The 5 Factor Diet by Harvey Pasternak, M.Sc. Don't let the whole "diet" word scare you away. I haven't been real faithful to the diet part, only the weights. The diet is just common sense.
Yes, I'm hoping for results other than not having those annoying chafed spots on my arms. I'll keep you posted. Ooops! I just broke rule #1.
Oh, and one more thing...I know it is cool to put pictures up with the blog, but this one fell into the categories of gross, TMI, and Wanda, come here! You'll never believe what I found on the Internet. Nope! No pictures on this one. You'll thank me later.


  1. Hello Mrs. MOJO! So nice to here about you. HAHAHAHAHA! Stop on over some time. I'll send ya an invite!

  2. all knowing mojo i can't wait for your next words of wisdom